Can't stand this place.

How can a world that is full of so much color, beauty, and amazing people seem so bleak, dark, and dreary?

Maybe I haven't been getting enough sleep... Maybe I need a change of pace... Maybe it's just the stress of leaving the student life after 21 years and heading into the unknown.

A question I have yet to find an answer to after so many years of wondering:

What kind of path should I choose to take in this world?

I have no direction right now, no course of action. I don't even see my options right now, my mind feels foggy every time I try. I feel overwhelming stress, but I don't know why. I have a grip on school for once, but not an ounce of satisfaction to show for it.

How do I even know that the things I've already chosen to believe and the paths I've already chosen to follow are right?

My greatest fear is to live a mediocre life. The ultimate irony is that this fear is the biggest obstacle to living a life greater than mediocrity.

Why do I feel no passion right now?

A life without passion is a pointless life indeed. Maybe I should consider a change.

I'm trying my hardest right now, and I can't even come up with any dreams I have for the future. I am 100% cynical in this moment. All I can see and feel is the dark, sick, and sad world that surrounds us. Pain, suffering, sadness, depression, tragedy, disappointment, failure, etc. I feel no optimism, I see no hope for change. I see everything that I or anyone else does as pointless and simply wasting time. I see no purpose whatsoever.

I hate it when I feel this way. I've gotta figure out how to get out of this rut. Depression is a serious condition, and until I can get free of it, I cannot trust myself to make judgments or decisions.

It's almost funny how much better I do in school, how much healthier I eat, and how much money I save when I'm in a full-blown major depression. When you're 100% cynical, all decisions are logical and made for a reason. Emotions are stored away, causing a delayed , drawn-out emotional reaction to anything. You don't smile anymore, there's no reason to. Everything is dark and dreary.

"I see a red door and I want it painted black. No colors anymore, I want them to turn black." ~Paint it Black - Rolling Stones

So Frikkin' Lazy

Yeah, ok, I'm lazy as hell.

I got home from school at 1:45pm yesterday afternoon. I had been telling myself all day that I was going to do my homework that is due today, then attend a LIGER interview I was helping run, then attend an Entering the U.S. meeting. I was then going to play games if I had time left over, and go to bed earlyish.

What happened? Well I got home, made and ate lunch, cleaned my room, washed my clothes, cleaned out my car, checked my email, downloaded and experimented with some IT programs, did the LIGER interview, did the AIESEC meeting, then played Horizons until midnight. At midnight, I watched some tv until 12:30, then watched Dan play Burnout Revenge on Xbox until around 1am. I went to bed at 1am, woke up at 3:30am (set an alarm to do so) to head down to the Klause building and print off 300 flyers. Around 6am, I finished this task. I ate breakfast, checked my email, and wrote this blog entry, and now its around 6:35am.

I am now going to start on my homework that is due today.

I'm very good at wasting time.

Back in Town!

Finally back in town and settled in again, after the exhilirating 25 hours or so in the car after leaving Montreal around 1am on Saturday morning. We went to the highest club in Montreal Friday night, and it was pretty cool, the view was amazing! We bailed out a little early to save some cash and get ourselves home, which was a good idea since I was good to drive after the club.

So yeah, I got that job offer, it's a pretty nice package altogether :). I'm going to fill out the papers tomorrow and put them in the mail on Monday, along with a package containing Juan's jacket from RoKS >.> and a book that Shannon left in my backpack on accident. Thank God though, I'll finally be able to focus on school and maybe even get some AIESEC stuff done!

Job starts on Monday, May 5th, I'll be a Systems Engineer with Varec (SAIC). I'm going to be moving out to a place near Norcross in the beginning of May as well, so it's going to be a busy couple of months. It's not so bad though, I need something to do! If I sit around idle, I'm just going to drive myself crazy with missing Dunia and wondering how she's doing in Kenya all the time.

So this has been a long time coming...

Yeah, I made this blog about a year ago now, and I'm finally going to use it. I haven't been using it because I had a bad experience with blogs back in my highschool days... but then again, those are the days when we were all young and stupid(er).

So I remember talking to Dunia about blogs back a few months ago, when I was trying to convince her to start her own. I wanted her to keep one so that everyone could stay posted on what was going on with her while she was on her traineeship. I also remember another time when I told her that what I was about to go through was somewhat similar to a traineeship, but instead of finding a job in the AIESEC network, learning about it, figuring out how to interview, interviewing, and finally getting the job and going, I was going to find a job in the regular business world, learn about it, figure out how to interview, interview, fail, repeat, fail, repeat, fail, repeat..., and finally (hopefully) getting the job. On top of all that, it requires moving, figuring out how to do finances, etc... To wrap all of that blather up, I too should keep a blog as I move through this experience.

Graduation is a bitch, a year ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do, so I kept on saying I'd figure it out later. Well, now is later, and I couldn't put it off anymore. I interviewed for a million jobs it seems, failing on almost all, getting a few on-sites, failing almost all there, and finally, as of yesterday, I received word that I'll be getting a job offer on Thursday. 6 months of interviews before I even got one....hoo boy.

In any case, I somewhat figured out the general idea of what I want to do. Between the last year or so in AIESEC and the last couple months of interviews, I've figured out that I want to do some form of engineering management. I don't want to be the engineer who sits in a cubicle all day staring at equations and draft sketches of designs or research data, but I do want to work with people like that. I want to be the guy that manages the big projects, presents the big ideas at meetings, keeps things clear and running smoothly, etc... The job that I'm about to get is just that, it's a Systems Engineering position, and I'll be going to different worksites (probably weekly at first) and finding out exactly what the company's fuel management needs are and how they're currently set up, then I'll be figuring out and implementing Varec's products/programs in order to meet those needs, basically. It should be interesting, hopefully at least! It will be good experience though, and traveling is always fun, even if it is every week. There is a chance of international travel too, which is exciting!

I have a lot of work to do once I get this job:
- Pass School
- Figure out a financial plan for at least the next year
- Figure out housing for post-school
- Figure out how to do my job
- Figure out how to do my job better
- Figure out what else I need to figure out.

There's a lot to do and I don't feel like thinking about it all right now, so I'm not going to bother. Enjoy! I'm going to try and post somewhat often.